Sticking to the Script: The Sequel

The Misfits’ annual GLUE Weekend has come and gone, and once again, I eavesdropped the house down and took copious notes. And thusly do I present, for your continued amusement and/or bafflement…


“I suddenly have a burning desire to go to Pier 1.”

“All I’ve had are crackers, coffee and half a Viagra.”

“It’s for your balls, Steve.”

“Show it to some white girls. They’ll buy it.”

“My inner thighs are sweatier in a kilt.”

“I got a picture with Spider-man before he disrobed.”

“I don’t care about your BMW… I don’t care about your education… I don’t care about your statistician…”

“If there’s a dead hooker under this mattress, I swear…”

“All I need is Adderall and the Serenity Prayer.”

“Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. Fuck all of you.”

“You don’t post CBT classes on Facebook.”

“I made ankle restraints as well. I wanted a matching set.”

“I was back in my room by 1:30… and in a different room by 2.”

“Did he really feed us experimental meat?”

“I picked the butchest color of toenail polish available.”

“You’re holding a 12-step meeting in the hospitality suite, where all the alcohol is. Brilliant.”

“I have to take my ‘top’ pill, or else shit happens. Wait. That came out wrong.”

“Do NOT quote me, Thomas.”

“My swimsuit… I rolled it up in my towel and put it in the bin…”

“I’m undetected, and we really need to fight the stigmata.”

“I’m a pup. I don’t have thumbs.”

“It’s Endora, bitch.”

“Film me jiggling my boobs.”

“So Google has a White Trash translator?”

“Hey, handsomes. Wanna have sex? No? That’s cool.”

“I just got back from Barnaby’s, and I got a piece of carrot cake I need to shove in your hole.”

“Last night was so bad, I fell into a wall.”

“I did not actually expect you to bend over the pool table. That was intended as a joke.”

“He drank all my alcohol and was like, ‘Yay, I love alcohol.’”

“Some of us are Jenny Craig challenged.”

“You have a penis. You should know how to do this.”

“Wanna fuck an old showgirl?”

“‘Throatcunt,’ like ‘love,’ is a verb.”

“Was that a squeaky sperm?”

“If you’re going to do burpees, you might as well do them plastered.”

“You… blow-dried… his… back hair. I can’t even talk right now.”

“Is that blowjob blue or buttsex blue?”

“There is somebody very, very gay in this bar.”

“I need to borrow your shirt. There’s butt sweat on my glasses, and I can’t see.”

“I got bad ass. I got ass poisoning.”

“That was awesome. Hail Satan.”

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