Murder, They Guessed

My parents and I saw Agatha Christie’s “Spider Web” at the Alley Theater last night. All three of us are obsessed with murder mysteries, which makes us a) overconfident but dangerously accurate amateur detectives, and b) horrible, horrible audience members.

[Warning: Spoilers below.]

Everyone else in our section: “I can’t wait to find out who the murderer is!”

My mom: “ALRIGHT, PEOPLE. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR.”

Me: “BRING IT.”

My dad: “MISS PEAKE HAS TO BE THE ONE WHO MOVED COSTELLO’S BODY.”

My mom: “COSTELLO IS THE MISSING LINK IN SELLON’S NARCOTIC RING.”

Me: “PIPPA IS PRACTICING WITCHCRAFT BUT DIDN’T ACTUALLY KILL ANYONE. WHICH MEANS…”

My dad: “WARRENDER MURDERED COSTELLO TO PREVENT HIM FROM STEALING THE RARE STAMP HIDDEN IN THE SECRET DRAWER OF THE ANTIQUE DESK.”

My mom: “BAM.”

Me: “CASE CLOSED.”

Everyone else in our section: “Goddamnit.”