Solve for Ex

Douglas: “Should I buy these boots? They’re $60, marked down from $119.”

Me: “Well, you played laser tag this morning, and you thought it was going to cost $20, but it was only $7. So if you buy the boots on top of that, you’ll have saved $73 today, which is basically making money.”

Douglas: “That’s brilliant! Why aren’t you taking my math class for me?”

Me: “Dude, this conversation is exactly why I’m not taking your math class for you.”

Douglas: “Good point.”

But My Friends Call Me Pumpkinhead Moontime

[A conversation between myself and my Misfits brother Space Cowboy (which is the honest-to-Gods name on his club vest; I am not making that up).]

SC: “The father of one of the girls in my kid’s class just sent out an email to let everyone know that his daughter won’t be attending school for a few days, because she got her first period.”

Me: “Huh. She certainly won’t spend the rest of her academic career trying unsuccessfully to live that one down.”

SC: “Well, luckily, he only sent it to the teacher and the other parents.”

Me: “So as long as none of the parents tell their children, she’s in the clear.”

SC: “Yup.”

Me: “Otherwise, she’ll be Bloody Mary until she goes to college out of state.”

SC: “…”

Me: “Or burns down the prom with her telekinetic powers.”

SC: “That’s awful, dude.”

Me: “Yeah. I’m a little ashamed at how quickly I came up with ‘Bloody Mary.'”

SC: “Bully.”

Me: “I’m only a bully because of my own insecurities. I started my period in the 4th grade, too.”

SC: “Wow.”

Me: “Too soon?”

SC: “I’m going to call you ‘Red Tide’ from here on out.”

Me: “I prefer ‘Rags’.”

SC: “Red Tide Rags!

Me: “Uh-oh. You just got way too excited.”

SC: “That’s your Misfits nickname.”

Me: “Um… that sounds like a vengeful ghost from Appalachian folklore.”

SC: “Even better!

And that’s how Misfit Red Tide Rags officially made his debut. I do have to say I’m not 100% thrilled about going down in Houston Leather History as the guy named after uterine discharge, but considering that other Misfit nicknames include “Twinkle Bear” and “Honey Biscuit Dancing Queen,” I probably got off easy.