Lights, Camera, Don’t Drink Until Saturday

Remember back in September, when I mentioned a cryptic writing/directing project? Well, if you’re trapped in Houston tomorrow, you officially have a legitimate reason to escape from your family, because all of us are sick, but some of us are…

STO_Poster

Tickets are $5 at the door. You’re welcome to attend even if you’re not in recovery: I’ll just explain all of the jokes during the Q&A session.

Sticking to the Script

Every year, the Misfits put on a fundraiser called GLUE Weekend: three differently-sane days of parties and competitions and general debauchery in the name of community spirit. I spent most of GLUE 2015 running around behind the scenes, and while doing so caught a number of conversational snippets that are, at the very least, eyebrow-raising when taken out of context.

As such, I am very proud to present the world premiere of…

SHIT PEOPLE SAY DURING GLUE WEEKEND

“BEAR FOR BEER.”

“He woofed at me, and I didn’t woof back, and he got pissed.”

“This is my Friendship Maker.”

“Does it go over the left shoulder or the right shoulder? Wait, which arm did he lose?”

“Yeah, he’s kind of creepy. I’ll call you after I hook up with him.”

“I’m getting you another cocktail to use as antiseptic.”

“You’re a pledge, and I just got paid. So put them on.”

“There’s a refugee camp on the back patio made up of club members who are over it.”

“I think he’s cupping my ass… yep, he’s definitely cupping my ass.”

“I mean, I get the whole phallic cigar thing, but still…”

“He gives really good raffle-ticketjobs.”

“And then she asked if she could lick my boots, and I was like, ‘This is the first time I’ve ever been turned on by a woman.'”

“I don’t have any bondage rope. I only brought cock rings. And a smile.”

“You had ONE JOB, and it was DON’T KILL MAMA.”

“I’ve got a lot of dicks in my phone right now.”

“Can’t you just borrow more spirit gum from that drag queen?”

“I’m cutting you off until you can speak a complete sentence.”

“It’s not like it hasn’t been in your mouth, dude.”

“When the delivery guy gets here, you should chug your drink and go, ‘I need you to be my friend right now, not my sponsor.'”

“Eating pizza rolls with Samuel Colt. What’re you doing?”

“Look. At this point, GLUE Weekend is happening, and nothing we do will destroy it.”

“I… totally just destroyed GLUE Weekend.”