My perkiest co-worker came bounding into my office this morning and chirped, “You’ve got a package!” I assumed it was either the pet waste bags I’d ordered a week ago, or the “Your Dog Can’t Poop Here” signs that should’ve arrived last month (when people say they “deal with a lot of crap at work,” I’m like, “Me too… me too.”), so imagine my confusion when I tore open the shipping box and pulled out a bull’s head:
The packing slip read, “Apis the Bull, Egyptian God of Strength Statue.” Having not ordered anything Apis-related myself, I immediately jumped to the logical conclusion that the Gods had smiled favorably on the way I decorated my office, and sent me the statue as a sign of Their approval. But then I calmed down, decided to go with Door Number Two and called Co-Witch D. to thank him for the surprise.
What was not a surprise was that he bought me the statue as an alternative to what already sits on my altar, which he tactfully refers to as “the bottle opener.” Aesthetic differences aside, and as venerable as Apis is, I’m afraid He’s going to have to stay in my office, if only because He looks so freaking cool next to my backflow prevention assembly:
I feel very empowered with these complementary items in my possession, and I am now fully prepared to declare myself the founder of Steampunk Kemeticism, which, according to the Internet, doesn’t exist yet. I’m not sure if it’s going to be a religious tradition, or a literary subgenre, or maybe just a momentary fashion movement, but regardless, I’ve got heirloom-quality backflow prevention assemblies for the first 20 people who swear fealty to me.