That Was the Theme of My Heroin

The best part about dining out with sober friends is that we’re rowdy and raucous and hilariously unfiltered, and as such the rest of the restaurant patrons assume we’re drunk, until they glance over judgmentally and suddenly realize we’re all drinking water. And then they get really confused, at which point our work there is done.

Such was the case Wednesday night, when a group of us descended upon a local eatery to feast upon their unspeakably good pizza and make the other diners uncomfortable. My buddy B. and I had just finished loudly debating which one of us has the most passive-aggressive mother (he won), when F. launched into a detailed description of the colorful patients she encounters at the rehab where she facilitates weekly support meetings.

“The heroin addicts are a bit of a challenge,” she admitted. “It’s almost as if they’re daring everyone else to be more addicted to something than they are. It’s like, ‘My drug of choice was… heroin.'” She glared defiantly for effect. “Like that.”

The way she said, “… heroin” got stuck in my head like a bad pop song, and now I want to throw it into casual conversations, similar to the classic “that’s what she said,” or how my friend K. sometimes responds to random observations with, “That was the theme of my prom.” For example:

“The weather report said to expect freezing rain.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“I was so sad when Glee ended.”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

“Bangs or no bangs?”

“That was the theme of my prom.”

So yeah, I basically want to do the same thing, except with, “… heroin.” Granted, I never went chasing the dragon myself, but I’m a big fan of bewilderment in any form, and I’d really like to see this turn into a cultural meme:

“I think my antihistamines are wearing off.”

“Really? Because I think my… heroin is wearing off.”

“I couldn’t find my car keys this morning.”

“Well that’s weird, because I couldn’t find my… heroin this morning.

“Would you like to sample an appetizer?”

“No, thank you. Would you like to sample… heroin?”

I ran the concept by Alan, who smiled sadly and left the room, so I’m starting to suspect this is one of those times where nobody is going to understand my non-traditional sense of humor. But you know what? I’m totally okay with that. If no one laughs when I say “… heroin,” I’ll just do what I always do in awkward social situations and scream, “I’M IN RECOVERY” until people just give up and pity me. After all, as professional alcoholic W. C. Fields once quipped, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshitheroin.” And that, gentle readers, was the theme of my prom.

One thought on “That Was the Theme of My Heroin

  1. I think you need more then just …heroin. Perhaps some kind of full sentence that would fit in.
    like “wow that guy is so hot”
    so was my recovery from addiction to heroin


    Are we there yet?

    so was my recovery from heroin

    something like that.

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