Hint: The Answer is Never ‘A’

Dear Homeowner,

Before I can process your Home Improvement Request to build a pergola and install a hot tub on your property, I’m going to need you to complete the following statement:

“I, [your name here], am requesting permission to build a pergola and install a hot tub on my property, because…

A. “I want a pergola and a hot tub.”

B. “I don’t actually want a pergola or a hot tub, but I think the whole Home Improvement Request thing is stupid and am trying to make a point.”

C. “My neighbors have a pergola but not a hot tub, and it’s important that they understand how much better I am than they are.”

D. “I already built the pergola and installed the hot tub without submitting a request form, and I kind of need you not to know that.”

E. “I’ve just never really cared for you.”

Entry Leveled

Me, via email: “Please be advised that the entry codes to your access gate will be changing two weeks from now.”

Entire Community: “Okay.”

Me: “Your entry codes are changing next week.”

Entire Community: “Cool.”

Me: “I’m changing your entry codes this afternoon.”

Entire Community: “Got it.”

Me: “I mean it, you guys.”

Entire Community: “We believe you.”

Me: “Your entry codes have been changed.”

Entire Community: “OH MY GOD THE GATE WON’T OPEN!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US??? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US YOU WERE CHANGING THE ENTRY CODES?!?”

Me: “Must’ve slipped my mind.”

Comedic Restraint

Rope Bondage Instructor: “So now that we have a better understanding of kinbaku, let’s move on to the basic form of shibari, which is called takate-kote.”

Cross: “Takate-kote?”

Rope Bondage Instructor: “Yes. Takate-kote.”

Cross: “Wasn’t that the name of the main character in Roots?”

[somewhere between 5 seconds and 7 hours of awkward silence]

Rope Bondage Instructor: “Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that.”

Me: [face buried in hands] “NOTHING. He said nothing.”

Thing is, Cross had made the same joke to me earlier in the day, and I’d laughed my ass off, leading him to the conclusion that the entertainment value would be universal. Regardless, it was an excellent seminar, and on another bright note, Cross is now fully aware of the gaping distance between what I think is funny and what actual humans think is funny.