The Elevators Are More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them

Psychiatrist: “What brings you in today?”

Me: “I get a little anxious sometimes.”

Psychiatrist: “Okay, let’s talk about that.”

[ten minutes later]

Me: “…so anyway, it turns out I wasn’t actually dying, just hyperventilating. Like you do. Oh, and I’m afraid of elevators.”

Psychiatrist: “Uh, yeah, your ‘anxiety’ is actually a full-blown panic disorder. But on the bright side, we caught it before agoraphobia kicked in and crippled you.”

Me: “Huzzah?”

And that, children, is the story of how Uncle Sweeney ended up on happy pills.

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